Depression is Real

Depression is Real
©Gabriel Santiago 2015

When I was younger I could not sympathize with anyone who struggled with depression. I honestly thought it was a joke. I never believed life could be that bad to anyone or that living every day could possibly be hell on earth.

It wasn’t until I moved to New York City, which was the biggest dream of my life, and then was made to return to my hometown because of my husband where I finally got depressed.

I had no confidence in myself, was confused about my goals, and felt so alone in my thoughts. To some people, depression can come from years of bullying when you are younger, family issues, or money issues, but my depression came from a disappointment and confusion of God and my own dreams.

I believed that God wants to make your dreams come true. I moved to New York City thinking that this was it, and it was my time to shine. Well, I was wrong and ended up moving back to Lancaster County where I got a new apartment, a dog and was trying to have a baby.

In the end, we never got pregnant. Which I’m thankful for. I got a job in a chicken egg plant factory, and I just coasted every day because I thought that New York City was what I was supposed to do. Any second away from the city would be a waste of my time.

My husband and I had so many discussions as to why I didn’t apply for jobs in Lancaster and why I was just living life, and I hated him questioning me. He ruined me, and I almost left him for that.

Never had I ever been so upset with him and with God. We lived in Lancaster County for a year and I learned nothing about this situation except life was unfair. Life was stupid. Life was annoying. My zest and motivation were taken away and even though my husband and I now moved back, my mind is still in Lancaster County.

I just want to work, have kids, and live my life. Tru.Works is a huge deal about that but it’s not the same like it was. I get excited and then it goes away. It’s a never-ending cycle that is absolutely annoying.

I realized I got depressed when I stopped working on Tru.Works for about a month. My husband hates when I get like that. I’m still so stuck on the past and my hurt from God and my husband that I’m a stone.

I was so sure of my dreams and goals and when I was forced to move back, I just couldn’t believe I knew what to do anymore.

Has anyone else ever have that happen to them?

You decide to move to another city, get the job of your dreams, or marry who you thought was the love f your life, only to find that you were wrong?

It’s weird.

You can’t trust yourself anymore.

I know some of you are saying, but you’re in New York City now, why aren’t you happy about it?

I have no idea. I should be happy. I’m here finally and I’m doing my best every day but it’s weird.

It feels out of place, and out of my will.

It doesn’t feel right, I don’t even care that I’m here. I’m not the same person I was two years ago. I got older.

My depression comes and goes. I know that I have to switch the gears in my head to go in the other direction.

I know that’s what I have to do but I just don’t know why I need to do it? When I wanted t move to New York City, it was because I wanted to be successful. Two years later, I could care less if I’m successful. Heck, I even feel as if all that struggle and hard work isn’t even worth it anymore.

These are real depressing thoughts.

But, then I think- at least for my husband, I need to remotivate myself and work hard at everything I do.

It just all comes back to, for what? I don’t want anything anymore. It’s all been taken away from me. My dog is gone, my family is far away, my husband’s always working and doing his thing, I don’t have kids and I just don’t care anymore.

But, here we go again. Let’s get out of this funk and focus on the positive. I’m healthy, I consider myself the most healthy I’ve ever been in my life. I am married, and I live in New York City by a miracle from God.

I’m so ungrateful. I just can’t get my head out of this gloom.

Any chance I have to get excited or happy I question it and get scared. Moving back two years ago to Lancaster County really freaked me out.

That was God and my husband’s choice.

I just feel like I have no control over my life.

Could that be it?

I don’t want to move to California- that’s my husband’s goal eventually. I want kids now, but I guess I have to wait. I want a new job, but I guess that ain’t happening yet.

I thought I knew what to do with myself, but I guess I don’t anymore.

I’m very confused.

I know that I have to change my mindset. I have to think positive and look forward to the future. I got to get into the podcasts I used to listen to and find my motivation and goals again.

How I do that, I’m not sure. I do know that I’m aware of my problem now and that I hate it and I want to get out of it. To all those suffering from depression, I apologize. This thing is real. It’s wild.

It’s a mind game.

One cool thing, I met Amy Poehler the other day. She was a regular lady with her kids and nanny. It’d be cool if she ever read this.

2 Comments

  1. Dena
    October 17, 2016

    Thanks very nice blog!

    Reply
  2. Latasha
    November 22, 2016

    I wanted to thank you for this fantastic read!! I definitely enjoyed every little bit of it.
    I’ve got you book-marked to check out new
    stuff you post…

    Reply

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