Friendship and Marriage

Friendship and Marriage
©Kimson Doan 2015

In high school, I had many friends. We had fun and hung out all the time after school. We got along so well and found ourselves enjoying passing time with each other and talking about life with one another. We would watch YouTube videos together and just let the days pass us by. There comes a point when your friends end up dating and they disappear. In reality, almost everyone begins to date and meet their couple’s friends and move on from old friends. It’s the circle of life.Thankfully, we have things like Facebook to keep us all updated on each other.

I’m so grateful for Facebook because it lets me get in contact with family, friends, coworkers and my local community. When Facebook was first available to the public I was dating another man who wasn’t my husband. I hated Facebook at the time and was still using Myspace. After we broke up we were able to still speak through Facebook and we messaged back and forth to keep in contact. Today, I don’t speak with him and I realized that when I got serious with my husband, I dropped a lot of friends and got rid of my social life.

I would not consider myself socially awkward at all because I love people and enjoy making them laugh but there was a point in my life where I wanted nothing to do with friends. My husband loves people like I do and loves making and hosting friends and while we were dating a lot of people who I thought were my friends ended up being my enemy.This is the story of everyone’s life. It happens to everyone but that shouldn’t have stopped me from having friends.

When I got married I struggled to be myself. I lost the confidence I had as a teenager. The reason for that was while my husband and I were dating he admitted to me several times that he had cheated on me with other girls in the past. It happened several times and it broke my heart. I trusted him completely but somehow I knew that there was something that he needed to be fulfilled that I couldn’t help him with.

It happened from the beginning of our relationship up until after we got engaged. We had multiple moments where he sat me down and explained himself about situations he had with girls. It cut my confidence in half. I was shattered every time my husband admitted to these acts and I ended up feeling more and more like I was not enough.

We went through a lot of counseling and consoling and I forgave him. What you think of me, I don’t care. Today, I know that he is faithful and we are both happier than ever. He was young and wanted a high school experience. In my opinion, you can work through anything. That’s the only way you can get married and stay married. Cheating is not an excuse for a divorce. This is my opinion.

If he has cheated on me he’s doing a good job hiding it and holding his emotions together because while we dated his conscience wouldn’t let him hold this secret in for long periods of time.

Months ago, my husband and I spoke about my confidence. It was bothering him. He let me know that I wasn’t the same girl he fell in love with. He let me know that I hated people and that I wasn’t happy or confident in the bedroom. I felt attacked but I breathed in and let him know he was right. I wasn’t confident in myself. I let him know that his past actions have me believe that I wasn’t enough. I shared with him that I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him and never was and never will be.

This man is my best friend people, we both want the best for each other and talk to each other about everything.

He was quick to apologize to me. He was happy that his past wasn’t something I brought up anymore but there was still a mindset that I gave myself as a result of all those pains I went through. I thought this personality I had, was who I really was but it wasn’t true. I felt I wasn’t enough. So I never took care of myself. I didn’t care about other people and devoted myself to be the best wife I could be. That was my only focus.

It got to the point where my husband asked me to start thinking about myself more and to stop thinking about him as much. As a child who experienced divorce, I was giving myself up to my husband every day so that I could stay married and not get cheated on.

I don’t want to get divorced.

My husband lets me know that I was more than enough. I was the sexiest, hottest and most beautiful girl in the world. He doesn’t want me focused on him all the time but instead he wants me focused on my own goals and my own life. My own goals and reason to live were what attracted him to me in the first place. The chains in my mind were broken.

I can think of myself, and still be a great wife?

I never thought that was possible. But it is.

You can live your life for yourself and still be a good wife, a good husband. That’s why your spouse fell in love with you in the first place.

It was after this conversation I was released from this stronghold. I knew it was time for me to move to New York city and find myself again. We had both agreed to move and it’s been the best decision we have made together. My husband can work on his things while I enjoy the city, work and run my own business.

I have gained my confidence back and am now able to make friends like I did in high school. I can joke, and laugh with people and enjoy their company and not feel intimidated.

There are moments where I can find myself trying to revert back to my old negative habits and I catch myself.

Naturally, I am an introvert but I do have fun. I love to make people laugh and you know what, It’s awesome to have friends when you’re married.

My husband and I share friends, meet each other’s coworkers and hear each other’s stories about our friends. Now you won’t catch me hanging out with another man alone but you will see me inviting people over and taking a girl friend with me to the gym.

That’s never happened before.

It’s been years since I’ve felt like I could do that.

I am released from the lack of confidence I had and I feel like I am my old self again.

In the end, if I’m not enough to my husband he’ll find someone to fulfill his need. If it’s not me I won’t die but I know I’m more than enough to Jesus and to someone out there. Hopefully, it is my husband.

I missed myself. I missed friendship. I love this city and I can’t wait to go back to my hometown to share my experiences with the people I love.

I’m glad to be back.

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