As much as I have tried to do great things, God has always let me do them. I have also tried to do bad things and God has always prevented me from doing so.
We all do things mostly for ourselves. Even in marriage, friendships and business partnerships we think about the possible benefits we may receive when we do favors for people.
Not only do I find that I talk to people to cure loneliness or to feel better myself I also like how special they make me feel. I believe others are like me, I can’t be the only one who acts like this.
I found that as much as I want to believe that I’m a good person with a great heart I’m actually not. I’ve wanted to cheat on my husband, I’ve wanted to abandon my family members. I’ve wanted commit suicide. I’ve also have wanted to do nothing with God many times in my life and make my own decisions.
My examples listed above are all thoughts or decisions I’ve wanted to make but I was never given the opportunity to. Something always got in my way. God always got in my way.
God has intervened me from spending money ludicrously, having affairs, stealing, lying or fighting. I plan to do evil things but God brings someone to stop me, takes away the opportunity or makes the other person change their mind.
I want to say that it annoys me. I’ve always been known to make good decisions but I’ve wanted to do many bad things. God has not allowed me to. It gets me so angry. He’s saved my butt on too many occasions.
I’m tired of being a good person. I want to do my own thing and I’m so horrible at it. How are people able to find the right person to cheat with or steal from. How come I can’t find the right time to gamble or the right person t get drunk with and let myself fall into whatever happens around me.
I am absolutely protected by God whether I want it or not. If you’ve read my articles in the past you’ll know that I never call Daddy God, God. He’s closer to me than just a god. He’s my best friend, father, and protector.
I’m absolutely angry with Him that I’m referring to Him as just God.
I’m human and I have a side of me that wants to make horrible decisions that came about once in a blue moon but when it come about I make the choice to push it aside or to listen to it. It’s like having the cartoon angel and devil arguing over me on my shoulders.
Since I was baptized I’ve done a fine job of telling the devil to leave me alone and choose the best decisions but there’s that pint in life where you do something stupid and challenge the devil.
I told the devil that I was a good person and there’s nothing that would get me to deny my morals or God. After I said that, I realized that the only way I could be tempted into anything would have to be with another man.
And then it happened.
Lo, and behold an attractive man took interest me and I liked it. It was a side of me that I thought I grew out of from high school. We met for the first time and I knew this was going to be the biggest challenge I’ve ever dealt with in my life.
We saw each other every day and we both knew that there was something pulling us together.
I cannot judge anyone who is willing to cheat on their spouse. I’ve been there. It’s a consuming feeling. The feeling that someone else can possibly satisfy you in a way you’ve been longing for that your spouse cannot understand.
It’s addicting. You think about it all day and try to persuade yourself into thinking that it won’t be such a big deal.
At first, you think you can handle the temptation and put God to the side and then you realize that it’s starting to consume you.
You lose control of what you say and forget what’s right and what’s wrong.
I found myself thinking about him while trying to be a wife to my husband. God would always ask me to let Him help me but I wanted it my way.
These feelings grew in me for months until I made the decision to let the guy know. When I did, he was in shock because he wasn’t expecting my confession to be about him at all.
I planned to kiss this man and spend time with him. I wanted to see what I could get away with.
We chatted online and let out confessions and flirted and it was exciting. We never had a chance to meet up which gave us both time to think about things before we went forward with anything.
I knew this guy was a good man at heart. He did a complete 360 and let me know that He’s decided that we both should continue to be friends for the reason that he knows if we were together alone it would only get physical.
Without hesitation, I agreed with him and we’re now able to be around each other with the respect that we both know ur feelings toward each other but respect each other’s relationships and morals.
I guess you can say I had a 4-day affair with another man without the actual physical sin but I was angry with God that he changed this man’s mind.
I had convinced myself that if I had relations with this man it would be worth any pain my husband would receive. He’s done his share of things and I wanted to do mine.
I’m not a good person. I’m a horrible wife. I’m an even worse friend and the thing I hate the most of all is that I denied God over and over again.
I’ve learned something amazing and that although I’ve tried to do my share of sin, God will have my back. He won’t let me do anything against Him. I have no idea why but I want to believe that He has something great in store for me that I have no idea about.
I’m being molded every day, as are you.
Yessenia Diaz has a background in graphic and web design but is also intrigued by writing and teaching. Yessenia created Tru.Works as an outlet for all her talents and continues collecting stories from around the world to share with people all across the interweb. Follow Yessenia on Instagram and her favorite, Twitter, @ythegreatdiaz.