When I was a teenager I completely disowned my father and my mother. I hated what happened between them and lost my entire trust in both my parents after their divorce. To this day, I know that either both of them are lying about what happened between them or one of them is lying. Whatever the case, I hated them both. This article will continue about my feelings toward my parents and it may be a little harsh because I was an emo teenager with deep feelings.
Today, the feelings I had toward my parent can be laughed about today but 8 years ago it affected every decision I made up until I started dating my husband. The story begins where I was sitting in my room and a voice told me to pack my belongings because I was going to move for a while. So for a couple of days (I was 12) I had the things I loved most all together in a backpack. If I took anything out of my backpack I would put them back as soon I was finished using them. A couple days passed and my mom asked us to pack our bags and hide them behind the couch in the living room.
I had my bag already packed but I was completely lost and simply obeying orders from my mom. My mom was the boss and when my father and grandfather went to bed after a hot meal my mom had us walk to her sister’s house with her. In that moment, I knew that we were leaving my dad behind and I lost it. I started crying my eyes out while walking away from our home and pleading with my mom to go back to my dad.
As soon as I realized I was leaving behind my father we were picked up by an uncle and taken to her sister’s house. We were to never see our father again.
The next day, I turned 13.
Our New Life
We had a new life and I remember soon after I got my first period. I was so scared I thought I was going to die. My mom never taught me how to use a pad and what a period was for and there were too many times where I went to school and came back with blood on my pants. I was so embarrassed.
Eventually, my mom had a new man in her life and I never spoke to my dad again. We moved to another place and I had my own room but I despised my mother. I don’t blame myself, I was so lost. My mom would go out on the weekends and I would be in charge of the gremlins I call my siblings. We did so many things when my mom was gone but most were innocent. We had so much fun in the summer because we were out with friends and being that my mom was only one parent we could get away with way more than when we had two parents.
I missed my father every day and I would cry almost every night when I went to bed because I wanted answers.
One day, I would get answers. Actually, I never received answers but let me explain. My sister and I were walking home from school and we went into an alleyway we were familiar with and found kittens that were left alone. We have a huge heart for animals and we ran the rest of the way home to get ham to feed the abandoned kittens in the alley. We had the great idea of riding our bikes back to the alleyway with ham and when we go to the street before the alleyway we saw something had fallen on the ground.
This was a surreal moment because my sister and I had only one goal in mind and it was to feed the adorable kittens in the alleyway but it was as if time stopped and we picked up a cell phone that was dropped on the street. As soon as I picked the cell phone up it hit me that traffic was coming and we scooted our way to the alleyway before we got hit by cars and fed the kittens. Boy did we feel like heroes but we quickly remembered that we had a cell phone.
It was a flip phone (This was 2004-2005) and we brought the phone home and kept the phone a secret between each other. We went to the attic and without spoken words we had set one rule. The rule was that my mom was never to know that we had a cell phone. In the attic, we were both contemplating what to do with the cell phone and my first instinct was to call my father. My sister was scared and so was I. I knew we weren’t allowed to speak to him.
In the moment, time went by so fast and any second my mom was going to walk through the front door because we knew she had already gotten out of work.
I called anyway, and my father picked up the phone. I remember saying, “Pa?” and he immediately knew it was me and asked, “Yessenia?” My eyes watered so quickly and I knew he was holding in tears. I don’t remember what we said to each other. I don’t even remember if my sister spoke to him but I know we both knew we were to talk again.
This moment in my life changed everything for us.
Today, my family is still broken. My mother remarried. My father is still single. My sisters have children and I’m married. I always wanted to leave my family behind. I wanted to change my number and never see or hear from them again. I left to New York City with my husband with this goal and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t drop all communication with my family. I had a niece that I loved and they were all struggling back home.
When I returned home for the rest of the year I made it my goal to get close to them once again. We built new memories and it was hard for me to leave them at home while my husband and I moved to New york City permanently.
This weekend I am going to visit my family again. My mom is going to cook for us like old times and I’m going to see my nieces again. I am happy that we call each other from time to time and that we can cry to each other and tell each other we love one another. My brother is still out of the loop but love will only suck him back in soon.
What I’m trying to share that years ago I would have never thought my family would heal. What you read was only the beginning of the complicated hurt I had growing up but I believe that Daddy God had me forgive my family to restore my family. I know I don’t have all the answers. I know that everything is still messed up but I believe that even if I have to wait for my hugs in heaven that one day my family will be restored.