As a teenager, I would judge a lot of girls in high school that got pregnant at a young age. I had no idea what they went through and how they felt about becoming a mother at what I considered to be too early to have a child.
Today, I’m married 3 years in and have no children and am instead planning to have a child in 2 years and I find it the most horrible way of going through having children.
I find myself envious of women who didn’t have planned children. It’s so stressful to think about what your family could be like and if I’d be successful enough to afford a child in New York City.
I feel as if planning and waiting to have children gives me too much time to think about children. It gives me too many ideas and fears and I would rather pregnancy just pop up on me.
A year ago my husband and I abruptly tried to get pregnant for 3 months and it obviously didn’t work out. After the third tried we decided that it was better off to hold off on children because we were at a crazy point in our lives.
We were uncertain we were ready to have children and that uncertainty had us conclude to wait at least until we’re married for 3 t 5 years.
What I found is that the 3 months that we tried scared me into believing that I possibly might not be able to get pregnant. I even have thoughts about how my body might change and how I may not be a happy pregnant woman. I feel as if that I am still uncertain and more concerned than ever about having children than I ever was.
This brings me to the point that I sometimes wish it happened to me out of nowhere but as of now that’s not happened.
At the same time, I want to be prepared for my child and want to be able to provide a wonderful home for him.
What is driving me mad is that I live with a preschool right in front of me and next to a park that many nannies and mothers take their children to play at.
There are so many children in New York City I just couldn’t believe it.
In some ways, it makes me feel good to see these mothers and think that if they can handle kids in the city then I know when my time comes I will be a great mother.
At the same time, I think, “When is my time to have children?”
I can never have easy and perfect thoughts about my children without having a negative one right after.
Some days I can imagine my sons (I declare) and can see them with their father playing and I enjoy those daydreams.
Right after I think, what if that’s not true.
Now that I think about it, I feel as if I have this giant pressure over my head to be a mother. I’m married you know?
I have in-laws that I love to death but the constant reminder if I’m pregnant or not can be funny but at the same time, I would drop anything and everything to be a mom right now.
It takes 2 to make a baby and if one wants to wait, you can’t force them to want to have a child now. They’re honestly not ready yet.
You know what else is a drag. My monthly reminder that I’m not pregnant. Deep down aI’m happy Aunt Flo visits me monthly. that means I’m healthy and not pregnant. But deep, deep down I have an inner episode of disappointment with myself that I’m not pregnant.
Another thing, my sisters have children, my sister-in-law has a child and I’m the oldest and last to have a child.
I love my nieces but seeing these babies grow up without my children involved hurts a bit. All my children’s cousins will be so much older before I’ll even get pregnant.
But you know something, Daddy God’s time is perfect. It may be I have to grow up or learn a lesson or two before that time comes.
Maybe I am meant to plan my pregnancies and I might be the stay at home mom I want to be.
As I wait, I want others to know that they’re not waiting alone. I’m waiting too. You may find it surprising to know that your husband is waiting also.
He’s doing everything he possibly can to be ready for that moment. He wants it to be perfect, not only for you but for himself. He wants his children to be proud of him.
That’s motivating, and when my husband shared that with me I finally understood the reason behind the wait.
So now, I wait.
Yessenia Diaz has a background in graphic and web design but is also intrigued by writing and teaching. Yessenia created Tru.Works as an outlet for all her talents and continues collecting stories from around the world to share with people all across the interweb. Follow Yessenia on Instagram and her favorite, Twitter, @ythegreatdiaz.