What Am I Hiding

Feeling Unworthy
©Ryan McGuire 2016

I want freedom from myself. I’ve learned as I age that the problems I have aren’t problems with other people but they are problems within me. I have issues with myself that have never been dealt with.

I have issues just like other people and I love that Daddy God loves me even though I am learning so much about myself and who He is  as well.

The reason for this article is to ask the question, “What are you hiding?” “What am I hiding behind?”

I hide behind my glasses, and I hide behind the fact that people think I am smart. I also hide behind my education in one sense. If people ask me what I studied, I am least proud that I have a Bachelors of Science in Graphic Design.

These small but large items are what I use to build walls around me to defend myself from other people. All of us have walls up. No one introduces themselves and immediately talk about their weaknesses. Can you imagine someone introducing themselves like this, “Hi, my name is Joe and I’m addicted to pornography.” No one does this. Everyone usually introduces themselves and then it’s followed by the things they consider their identity.

When I was a teen, my identity was in the phone I had, If I had a license and a car, what high school I went to, what part-time job I had and I even had  list in my head of the top 3 things that are cool about me and they were that I love:

  1. Johnny Depp
  2. Japan and Japanese culture
  3. Anime

These three things were the definition of me. My religious practice later defined me and I used all these things to assemble who I am. When people heard about me it was these thing people used to describe me with.

I was always struggling and striving to have these things in order. I had a car, went to college and I even moved to New York City with the things I hid behind. It wasn’t until I was listening to a sermon by Carl Lentz where I realized that I keep going through the same circle.

I absolutely hate myself, and then I would blame other people and my circumstances in life, my past, and then I would remember who I am in Christ and would repent of my thoughts and eventually I would get lost in my own mind and feel and think the same ways I did earlier.

My Issue

I later realized that I had an issue. I had an issue so large that have affected my behaviors.

That issue was that I consider myself worthless. I consider myself absolutely worthless.

Theis feeling of worthlessness I now realize come from my parents divorce but they even come from before then. I won’t get into much detail but every word my mom spoke to me about my body image always had me feel like I wasn’t enough. My father never came to see me when I was younger and I still have to seek him whenever I want to talk to him.

When I was younger my brother jumped on my face and broke my nose. I was made fun of by them and remember hating to take pictures after that. My mother-in-law loves taking pictures and I don’t feel worthy enough to be in them.

My worthlessness draws me straight into depression from time to time and I always battle to get myself out of it. You know, every prayer I have had answered I would believe God answered them because of my husband and not because of me.

I would never seek out to learn new things or meet new people because I didn’t consider myself worthy enough to do so. Who was I to learn how to dance or to learn how to sing?

As I grew older, it was even more obvious that I was dealing with an issue. It was driving me insane. Insane to the point that my behaviors would change suddenly. I would be fine and dandy and someone would say something that would remind myself of my unworthiness and I would fall silent. My husband would ask me what was wrong with me and I would tell him the number one answer, “nothing”.

You see, I thought I wasn’t worth his worry. I thought I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. I find myself to be private about my life because I don’t believe I am worth anyone’s breath.

I am so glad to be able to share my issue with anyone who reads this. I know that I am not alone and I understand that I am not the only one who has suffered through this case of identity theft that I have.

I thank God for encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone and find people to talk to and to make new friends. These friends have accepted me for who I am and I don’t have any walls up. This message by Steven Furtick was shared at one of my groups about our identity.

That message was so powerful that I consider it the second message everyone in the world needs to hear. The message is called Hidden Issues. This message will help you relate to what I am trying to get at today.

I know there are more of you with issues out there that want to break free. So many of us have egos, depression and our psychologies are messed up. God not only wants to deal with you spiritually but psychologically too.

He created us and in life we go through things that shape us to be the messed up people we are today and I am now even more grateful that Jesus took my sins on the cross. I am now open to accepting his blessings and can now Speak to God feeling worthy of speaking to Him.

Today, I am free from my worthlessness. I have worth in God’s eyes and not only that I can do anything I want to do without feeling second class. It’s this revelation that has given me freedom to be who I really am! I know I am not the only one! Let’s us receive this freedom.

Yessenia Diaz has a background in graphic and web design but is also intrigued by writing and teaching. Yessenia created Tru.Works as an outlet for all her talents and continues collecting stories from around the world to share with people all across the interweb. Follow Yessenia on Instagram and her favorite, Twitter, @ythegreatdiaz.

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