When I woke up, my mother was always there. My mom fed me breakfast, took me to school, picked me up from school, and was always home and around me. I was always surrounded by my mother and my brother and sisters. At night my dad would come home and watch television with or take us out when he could.
Over the summer when there was no school to attend, my mom was home all day watching us and there for us whenever we needed her. As we grew older we were able to go outside more and hang out with friends in the neighborhood but she would always be at home waiting for me.
I have never realized how much of my young life my mom was actually there for me. I had a late night conversation with a friend and it’s weird how things come to light with your friends. I admitted that one of my biggest secrets is that I suffer a fear of loneliness.
Believe me, I don’t have many friends I tell that to. I’ve stated it before online but telling an actual person face to face is like trusting someone who can use that against you forever.
I’ve known this fear for years but it is a psychological problem I have where if I am alone too long without a person or animal (which is why I’ve had dogs) around I will find something to replace that void.
For example, I’ve bought things I never needed. I’ve gone places without knowing how I could make it back home, I’ve lied about how I felt with people or even dated guys because I’ve felt bad for them and not necessarily that I’ve even liked them. I just felt like I could be good company for them.
I would not be a good person to trust being alone. I need something around me.
I find I always need company. I guess that means I’m clingy.
Even in my relationships, I don’t like quiet times or moments where I’m not embraced or having fun with my spouse. I’ve never had a moment when I was growing up where I was alone. I couldn’t leave the house without my brother. I’ve always shared my room with my sisters and brother, and I’ve always been around my aunts and cousins.
One day this family dynamic changed when my mother decided to have us pack our things and leave my father behind. She made a decision that if she wasn’t aware of the impact it would have on my life, I’m at least aware of it now.
I remember that my mother was a different person entirely after the divorce. She wasn’t a shut in anymore, but she had to work now and be a provider for us instead of my father and that meant that she wasn’t really around anymore.
On the weekends she’d go and enjoy her life and I’d be at home with my brothers and sisters and I found that to be so hard that my mom wasn’t around anymore to cook meals for me, clean my room, or even just be there.
I learned how to cook for myself, give advice and console my family and all this happening at thirteen I felt as if everything around me was falling apart and I had to pick things up and figure out how to survive in a new way. I wasn’t dying of course but I think I was a child that was super sensitive to things.
I know I also sound like a spoiled brat but I was raised with a lot of attention. I didn’t tell my mom what I wanted she was just a stay at home mom who fed four children, cleaned up after them, bathed them, and tucked them in at night. She kept me alive.
She gave me direction and led me to where I needed to go and what to do and I found that I have never changed. She taught me to be tough and respectful, quiet, and be a lady.
Listen, this is random but I raised a puppy from 8 weeks old to 10 months of age and they have a way faster growth rate than humans do and I’ll tell you what, I was surprised at all the small puppy things I did with him that stuck with him into his teenage years. It’s the same with humans.
God, I miss having someone love me like my mom does. I miss cookies, I miss being fed and I know this is weird but I even miss laughing and joking with my mom about stupid things. It goes even deeper than this but I miss messing with my brothers and sisters and making fun of each other.
But this need I have cannot be fulfilled by my husband. He’s not like this at all. Which is where I find a problem in myself. This is why I do a lot of stupid things.
I pick fights with my husband for attention. I’m laughing while I write this but I never realized this. God, I know I’m not the only one who’s like this.
Now my husband can be aware of this. This would solve so many of our issues.
Now I’ve realized that this is why I fill my time with friends and social media, and I’ve found I’m missing this affection in my life. I’m missing a clingy person. I wonder how do I control this. I know I’m more controlled than I was when I was younger.
I can remember a time as a teenager where I would set my bedtime to 8:30p.m. like I had when I was young so that I’d be asleep before my mom would head to bed. I can’t believe I’m even admitting this but I remember I’d be in my room alone watching television, or drawing and if my mom started getting up to head to bed unexpectedly I’d grab my towel and rush to take a shower fast enough to lay myself to bed before she’d sleep.
I have no idea why I did that. Now that I’m older I just never knew how bad my mind was. As I got older I knew I had an issue, a deep issue that made me crazy and I could not put my finger on it and I’m s grateful to my friend because they were able to take some random time out of their day to listen to my issue.
I hate admitting that I’m so heartbroken over my parent’s divorce and how everything went down when I was younger. As much as I thought that I got over that experience I never really have and maybe I never will.
But, you have no idea how free I am now because I know about my issue. Now I can tackle this problem and it won’t hold such a stronghold against me. What if I have never met my friend? I would have just kept guessing at what my life issue was?
I am grateful.
I just can’t believe that this is where I am right now. I am free. But I also feel guilty. I grew up in a great home and even after my parents divorce I know that I didn’t have the worst life in the world but I am amazed that this life event had made me who I am today.