Not many people show their true feelings especially with wanting to be perfect all the time and not want to lose face due to lack of trust in people but I also find that being aware of this issue helps me come to God more quickly.
I cry and cry out to Him faster than before. I can get quite hysterical when I’m desperate for answers and peace but after I finally let it go and let it out, I’m done. It does get better, it will heal, and life moves on but instead of waiting and putting off the cycle, I like to just face God. I face Him and I’m happy.
There are periods f my life where I don’t want to worship. When I get like this it’s because I don’t want intimacy with God, I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to feel anything. I want to be okay because I know that as soon as hear His voice I’m going to feel my conviction. I’m going to have to face the feeling of not being good enough to be let into Heaven and feel Gods love all over again.
It can be overwhelming for me.
But it’s a spirit of condemnation that still lingers in me from time to time. When I need God, I go to Him.
I’m not the average Christian that revolves my life around the church. Youth group. prayer circles, worship services, fundraisers, baptism events, and communions (actually I love them but I hate doing them in a group at church) were always awkward to me. Sharing testimonies, and prayer requests and stories about where people believed asked them to do something and they either obeyed or disobeyed His calling just seemed unnecessary.
I get that the whole point of these things is to encourage people and share with other believers that other people make mistakes or follow through with God’s Word and we’re not perfect but I believe I’d rather share these stories with non-believers.
At the same time, I don’t want to tell my stories to anyone. Not my God stories. At church, It feels like it’s easier to tell your God stories to people, and I get it, it’s fun and vital to the fellowship in the church but I have found that after I share my stories they’re not so special to me anymore.
My testimonies are mine and I’ll never share them with a room full of people. Well, never say never, but I’m more open to having a personal one on one with someone about God and my stories than with a bunch of people. Especially Christians- the reason for that is that they already know what God can do.
I want to save my stories for the atheists, and the ones who don’t understand Jesus or His believers. I purposely don’t try to focus much on Christianity and Christian events and such because I want my focus to be on the ‘lost’.
It doesn’t make me a better Chrisitan, I think I just have a different style.
My prayers are in private, my prayer in tounges are in whispers, my worship is in the shower and my questions and praise to God are under my breath. I keep my relationship with God super personal. I’m like this in everything that I do. This includes my relationship with my husband, business, and personal life.
I know that if I were to ever be famous I would love the attention but I would act differently than my actual self. I have a persona I keep in public but my true and most intimate self being belong to my closest friends, my husband, and God.
My true self is blunt, straight-forward, black and white. I show no mercy and can be tough but at my core, I am sweet and forgiving and think the best in people. I love and I love hard and when I’m hurt I cry at home.
See these intimate feelings can never be shown on social media or in public because it’s not meant for just anyone to know and understand.
This is why we all keep an image of ourselves up. It’s safe to do so and wise to keep certain things safe among particular people.
There’s this balance and then there is an extreme belief in which you don’t actually accept or like who you are and make yourself believe your persona is who you actually are.
This includes being a fan of certain things because other people like it too. Portraying yourself falsely over the internet and even on a day-to-day basis pretending like you’re tough, or that you have more money than you really do.
Why the facade?
Even teens on social media who post only their best photos. What about you do you want people to see?
But you see, even Christians suffer from these kinds of things. All people do. This is what I’ve found my purpose to be. I want to calm people and help them feel normal. Help relieve them from stress and psychological issues but only in using my own experience.
There’s no way I can help the world or save the world but I can surely help out people live happier and more satisfied lives.
At least I hope so.