Why I Lack Trust Today

Why I Lack Trust Today
©Thomas Curryer 2016

Trust is being able to feel free in front of others. Trust is crying in front of your spouse without fear that they may leave you. Trust is leaving your valuables behind and expecting them to be home when you return. Trust is laughing hysterically with someone, and trust is feeling able to be weak in front of someone strong.

Some parents create untrustworthy circumstances for their children, especially in marriages in which spouses argue in front of their children or end up in divorce. Abusive parents, in any way, cannot be trusted and anyone who may have suffered from rape, molestation, or any mental abuse from a family member at a young age can feel like no one is trustworthy.

This lack of trust in people can develop into something worse and bring out an anxious and stressed out personality. A person who cannot trust will not ask for help, will not want to give themselves up completely to another person. Most definitely a person with trust issues won’t dance freely, sing freely, or love freely in front of others.

There’s a constant fear that gets so intense when in a party setting and everyone is dancing and you feel pushed to dance to fit in. Everyone’s laughing and you feel you must laugh too. It’s an anxiety that is much avoided by simply not going to specific social events. The pressure to be funny, happy, and to be perfect all the time to feel loved is great and anytime you mess up it’s as if someone is holding a scoreboard above your head like your parents did growing up.

I remember breaking a figurine and having to think out how I was going to explain how the figurine broke to my mother without getting beat by a belt and you know what, at the end of the day my words didn’t matter.

I realized that the older you get the more you feel as if you can’t mess up. Accidents weren’t okay.

Now to a child that can’t trust their parent’s temper, their brothers, and sisters entirely, it makes it hard to trust friends. At 25, my complete trust goes to a few individuals and even so I know I doubt these people truly love me when over years they have proven to do so.

Proof of love is what gives me the okay to trust someone. If I’ve known you less than a year you’d have to have something special or sincere about yourself that lets me feel as if I can tell you anything.

Unlike other people, I need proof of your commitment before I can commit. Most people trust others until they give them a reason to not trust them while I will wait for a reason to trust you.

I find that today my husband and I are getting better at that, well at least I am because I need the most help in this area.

You see, he’s free as a bird while I’m a caged bird. I’m shy, and considered an introvert when in reality I want to be the life of the party, and am I know I am capable of holding a strong confidence in front of strangers.

In front of the people I love, I find that I crumble and I am weak because I believe that one false move I make they’d leave me forever.

This idea, and my behaviors and habits all formed at a young age and superseded my common sense when my parents divorced.

As I got older I’ve seemed to have gotten better at trusting others but I’ve also realized that some habits I had no idea were in me were getting worse. I shut down in front of new people I’m forced to meet in front of my husband. I use the word forced because to me it feels forced when to my husband it’s a normal event. I am stressed because I feel that if I fail at entertaining new acquaintances I fear my husband would get mad and leave me.

I have no logic. The older I get I have realized my habits have no logic. They’re actions I have formed over the years and have repeated in times of anxiety and stress due to my lack of trust.

That reminds me that every time my husband gets upset I’m scared he’d leave me for someone that doesn’t make him mad. What’s funny is that he’s never physically hurt me and we’ve been together for 8 years. I’ve done a lot of crazy things and this is what I have to remind myself of to remember his commitment to me.

It’s the same situation in which if my mother would get upset with me I’d have to go to my room and had to give her a break from me. As a child, that’s how it felt like to me. All these things are childhood feelings.

Lacking trust is a psychological problem. I take time to challenge the cage I was put in and break through the metal wires. 2016 has helped me understand myself more. I am more aware of my personal issues than ever before. My parents were great parents and I was a sensitive soul and although I question some of their methods I believe they’ve always done their best.

I’m excited in 2017 to begin my new trust journey and enjoy my life more than any other year I’ve had.

In this new year I hope that I can make new friends and feel more relaxed and open to new relationships and intimacy with my husband.

2 Comments

  1. Luisa
    January 12, 2017

    This is a topic that is close to my heart…
    Best wishes! Where are your contact details though?

    Reply
    1. Yessenia Diaz
      January 13, 2017

      Under the about link on the homepage is where you can find contact details

      Reply

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