Anxiety is Killing Me
When I say that anxiety is killing me, I mean that anxiety is killing me. Three days ago I woke up in the middle of the night clenching my chest and doing everything in my power to not freak out from the immense tightness I felt. My muscles were so tight I was incapable of moving in my bed and all I was thinking was about how stressed I was. The pain was so great that my chest muscles are slowly relaxing 3 days later but I still am in pain.
I created a stressful and anxiety-inducing environment
Two weeks ago I decided to quit my job. The salary was great, I loved the work, and the team that I had the honor of building up. I truly hit the jackpot except for one thing. The job was in Flushing, Brooklyn and I had just moved to Pennsylvania. Of course, I took the job. Because I myself don’t think I have limits. But I have now, at 30 years of age, have now accepted and understand that my body and mind have limits.
I truly thought I could live and work in 2 different states. But after 3 months, I couldn’t do it anymore. My mindset was that this would pay off in a few months to a year. Seriously, I believe in myself so greatly that I didn’t think I’d be unable to live this lifestyle. While everyone else told me I was crazy, I thought they were the ones who were the crazy ones.
The biggest factor that I didn’t consider when I made my decision was my anxiety.
That was my biggest mistake.
Now that I know anxiety is killing me slowly
New York City was my home for most of my 20’s and the COVID pandemic was the reason I chose to move back to my hometown as did other people in the United States. One of my last unforgettable moments in New York City was when I was so stressed and anxious from my last job and handling moving back home that I couldn’t think clearly anymore. My body began going numb, or so I thought. My anxiety led me to believe I was going to have a stroke. The stress was so great I stared at the above-ground tracks at my train station and was ready to end my life so that I didn’t have to deal and feel anymore. The details of that story are in this link.
When I moved, I felt instant relief and freedom and so I thought I could handle a new job in NYC and working there while living in Pennsylvania. But this last anxiety attack is now my last straw. Today I completely refuse to put myself in any more anxiety-inducing situations. I didn’t know that I myself was putting myself in these situations. But now I know.
I want to defeat my anxiety
To defeat anxiety you have to understand yourself and your triggers. My main triggers are:
- lack of safety
- people who are emotionally unstable to me
- and food
I have such confidence knowing these are my triggers. But isn’t it interesting that none of those listed triggers have anything to do with the stories I shared in the previous paragraphs?
That’s because ongoing stress is a newly realized trigger of anxiety for me. But the whole time I thought any anxiety attacks came from the 3 triggers I listed but in actuality, I’d have ongoing stress and other triggers would come up in the day-to-day life that would completely drive me up the wall.
If I could control as much as I can in my daily life and remove as much stress as possible then maybe food or people wouldn’t trigger me so easily.
This is why I quit my job and moved back completely. As much as it may hurt my pockets for now, for my health, I have to do this.
Stress will happen. I can’t remove it all but I’m tired of living this way. And so this year I hope I can overcome my anxiety.
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