The Emotional Wall and Friendships

The Emotional Wall and Friendships
©Felix Russell-Saw 2016

One goal I had for myself was to move to New York City. At 18 I believed I was headed to New York City to figure myself out, realize my dreams, and find the love of my life. Life turns things around on you and although you may have things set in your mind for yourself it doesn’t mean they won’t come true because they will. It may mean that things won’t happen in the order that you want it to.

I’m the type of girl that does everything on her own. I run my own life, and make my own decisions and ask for help when I feel lost but for the most part, I am well-researched and have asked for advice before I make decisions. If I’m not sure what to do I know someone who can fix leaks, change the oil in cars, and motivate me when I’m down.

I pray a lot and ask God for help when I need to get something done but I’ve come to realize that I have walls up.

My walls are strong, thick, and set in stone but there is a door made of metal you can get in through. There’s also a little window on my metal door so I can see who’s there until I slide the cover over the glass to deny them passage into my mind. I have been this way since I can remember and I found that I’ve let only a couple people peer through the glass. I’ve only ever let two or three people walk through the door.

Today I realized that the only people that have been able to get to know me deeply are men. My husband is one, and I have two other best friends. The one friend I have I’ve know since before I met my husband and the other I met recently through work and realized we are inspiring to each other.

I seem to be a motivator, the one that inspires others and I have found that I am great at giving advice with small business, and am found to be the secret keeper of my groups.

I’ve always been this person and I find it t be overbearing sometimes. With my husband constantly acting, dancing, taking up gigs in New York City I find it necessary as not only his wife but as a friend to motivate him to take gigs he doesn’t want to do and remind him of his reason for doing what he does every day.

He’s open about his dreams and goals and I’m not. I worry about my own things and work toward my goals on my time. I think that only this year my husband has taken my goal to live in Japan for 2 years a little more seriously. That’s something we have to discuss later but after 8 years of being in a relationship I’ve let him know that this is a serious goal in my life that I want to accomplish.

The whole Japan thing isn’t even something completely hidden behind walls for me, I’ve shared this publicly since I was 16 and so to me this is not even something I keep behind my walls.

Now that I’m in New York City, I find that it’s easier to be myself in this city. The window on my door is open and I’m letting people peer through. I find it to be relieving to be myself.

When I’m made fun of or not taken seriously I am quick to shut the door on you and you’ll never have a chance to enter again without my permission.

Even though I don’t want anyone to learn the most sensitive side of me, or the most inner vulnerable parts of my mind I want 1 person to.

You mey be thinking, why isn’t your husband that person?

Believe me I’ve tried. 

I love this man to death but you should understand that there’s not one person that connects with you entirely.

That’s why we have friends and family. There are parts of you that your spouse will never be able to connect with.

My husband will never understand what it’s like to have divorced parents. He’ll never understand what it’s like to have graduated college or my love for writing, art, and content creation.

I’ll never understand why he needs to act out his life or why he enjoys being surrounded by people or his struggle with bullying when he was in middle school.

That’s alright though. We are accepting of that. That’s why I haveother friends. Girlfriends, guy friends, and of course family.

My family are the people I can relate to about life, and our struggles. We have fun together and enjoy each others company.

I used to wake up and text my sister that I was gonna pick her up in an hour to have her run errands with me. I enjoy the company of my family to get me through my day to day errands.

Honestly, I don’t like to be alone. I don’t enjoy that my thoughts are only my own and I cannot express them entirely. I can of course share them with God but we all know that having an emotional connection with humans is the reason we’re all alive.

We’re social creatures. We can’t live without each other.

For those of you who have their walls up, you’re not alone. Heck it’s alright that you have friends that you connect certain things with and others not. I’m only just realizing this now that this is why we have friends. Friends we play video games with, friends you talk about work, friends you spend time with, friends your travel with, friends you talk about business with. There are enough people out there to fill the void or make emotional connections.

Here’s the one thing I hate. When people use people for connections and don’t genuinely care about them. It’s an in the moment thing and that’s where I believe I’m different.

I have six friends. Three girls that I hang out with and laugh with. We enjoy each other, and talk about each others relationships, past, and goals.

Then there are three guys. One of course is my husband. He deals with me on the day to day grind and encourages me to keep writing.

My childhood friend is the one I go to when I am lost with my marriage, or need a reminder of who I am and why I left my hometown in the first place. We don’t talk everyday but we know that we have each others back.

My last good friend, is a new one but a dear one. For some reason it’s as if we’ve known each other for years but have actually only met this year. I’m not sure of the purpose of our friendship but I’m glad we’ve met.

If your walls are up, it doesn’t make you a cold person. It means you’re a tough person. It means you have been pushed around at a young age and would rather handle life alone. But it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t want help sometimes.


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