Why I Hate to Pray and How To Ask God For Help
The younger version of myself would pray every night. My mom would have me recite a prayer that I memorized to help me sleep at night because of my irrational fears of getting raped, killed, or kidnapped at night. I know that’s intense but at a very young age I was made aware of the multiple torturous ways a human could die and I suffered thinking about death right before bed every night as a young child. Prayer was the only way I could sleep. But today, I hate to pray. And for various reasons prayer to me is a struggle. The reason I hate praying is simply that I don’t want to ask God for help.
I believe God should help others and that He shouldn’t waste any of His time and energy on me. I believe that I’m not worth any of God’s time or energy. Maybe some of you feel the same way I do and that’s why you’re here but I’d like you to know that God has infinite energy and when we pray to Him we honor Him.
Let me backtrack a bit.
This is why I needed to pray
My mom had watched a lot of crime and investigation shows while growing up and it had no effect on me growing up because it was background noise for the most part. Until one day I did begin to watch the show I learned about death and how people went missing. I remember we would then watch that together with my parents. Watching crime shows wasn’t a big deal to me until one day the show was left on and I couldn’t find my parents.
My siblings and I were left alone and suddenly I felt responsible for their safety. I frantically searched for my parents and all I could think about was that I couldn’t bear living with myself if anything happened to my family. I called out for my mom and she didn’t respond. Later, I could hear that both of my parents were upstairs in the bathroom together and left the four of us downstairs. All I could think was that my parents would not be able to fight back someone and protect us because they were in the bathroom unarmed and compromised.
We weren’t truly alone but the anxiety and panic I had looking for my parents all throughout the house was something that would affect me forever. Yet, I could not understand why my parents would leave us alone for even just a second to risk an intruder coming in to hurt us. This was the scariest thing that could happen to me at that age.
The only way I could sleep was by praying
After this event, I struggled to sleep for many years. There was nothing that anyone could do to help me sleep. I was so young and had so much anxiety and panic. Any little noise to me led me to believe someone was breaking in to hurt me and my family. The only way my mom could get me to sleep was to teach me about God and who He was and how if I prayed He’d protect me.
The ONLY thing that let me sleep at night was the small prayer my mother taught me:
“Angel de mi guarda, dulce compañia. No me desampares. ni de noche, ni de día. Amen.”
From Spanish, it translates to, “Guardian Angel, my sweet company. Do not abandon me. Neither by night nor by day. Amen.
I had no idea what I was praying for. The only thing I understood was that the prayer I was taught would guarantee my safety. As long as I prayed that prayer nothing would happen to me. I could truly rest believing God would help me.
The childhood lessons fade over time and praying stops
As you get older, the childhood things you did kind of disappear from your habits. At night, ten years later, I know I’m not praying my prayer. I don’t pray as much because I felt like my fears weren’t as bad as someone else’s fear of actually dying. There were people starving around the world that God should spend his time with than me.
Praying for myself was selfish. That’s what I believed for many years. I was ashamed to take up God’s time praying those silly little prayers I prayed when I was younger.
Time passed and as I grew older I decided that. I wasn’t worth someone worth worrying about. I wasn’t proud of myself and felt like I wouldn’t contribute anything to society. But creating Tru.Works gave my life more meaning. I began to search for God more and to learn about the fear I had when I was younger.
This is now how I ask God for help
Listen, I’m not a pastor. I’m not here trying to convince my readers to become Christians but I’m just sharing my journey and my experiences growing up. I felt like I had to say this because this isn’t a testimony but more so a story about why I do pray and how asking God for help, helps me.
Some of you may relate and others of you may use other methods to get through things in life. I respect that and I hope that me putting my heart out on the infinite interweb about how I personally deal with my life can be respected as well.
Twenty years have passed since my initial panic-inducing experience. My brain wasn’t fully developed and my parents did the best they could to understand what it was I was scared of.
No matter how hard they tried the only one that could fully understand me was God. The older I got the less I searched for understanding from other people. Very quickly I learned I could never be fully understood. And so now this is how I ask God for help. I now pray.
I understand why prayer works for me
I’m not entirely sure if praying works or if the universe heals me or helps me. I’m not going to say that I’m right about believing in God. But what I will say is that my faith helps me. It’s not that I stopped believing but it was that I stopped thinking I was worthy of God’s prayers.
Over time I decided to honor God by praying to Him and acknowledging that He is All-Knowing. I believe He knows what I need and want and doesn’t hold anything against me. With that understanding and His understanding of me, I know I can pray to God. This is how and why I pray to God.
This is my personal story, and I Know I may be wrong and could die believing something completely false. But thankfully I have that freedom to choose like you all do and I respect your beliefs as I hope you would all respect mine. Thank you. To end this I want to get across that I didn’t want to pray because my mom told me to. I wanted to pray because I wanted to.
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