Settling Arguments in Relationships

Settling Arguments in Relationships
© 2015

I have a few rules to any disagreements my husband and I have. It’s rare if our disputes end up into a full blown arguments and it’s because we have learned to have a respect for each other and boundaries when expressing our issues.

It took us about 6 years but if I can share this with people so they’ll start out relationships with a strong foot forward.

A few rules are:

  • we do not raise our voice
  • we do not curse at each other
  • we wait to discuss things privately
  • we do not discuss disagreements with friends
  • both of our intentions is to solve the problem
  • we do not keep records of wins or losses
  • we apologize and laugh

Once you have agreed on all the rules to discussing disagreements you both can talk about anything without it being a big deal but you both should keep in mind 3 things.

These 3 things are vital to keeping the peace in the family and will actually save you from many pointless conversations and happier times.

You must look at arguments in 3 perspectives. Yours, Theirs, and the argument itself.

Your Perspective

It’s easy to see an argument from your own aspect. You are not entirely sure what the other party is getting at. You can be offended by an opinion but you have to ask yourself why are you upset? 

Is it worth arguing about?

Is the answer simple? 

Before you pick a fight you must get yourself out of your shoes and attempt to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

I know we’ve all heard that before but it’s true.

Have you noticed how you approach the other person? Do you come off defensive? Are you confronting them in a way that puts blame on them for the misunderstanding?

Do you already expect them to succumb to your point of view and apologize without getting their side of the story?

Check yourself, and give the other person a break. Give them a chance to rebuttal without thinking about what you’re going to say next.

Their Perspective

Remember, the other person has no idea why you’re upset. Assuming that they do know why you’re confused is the biggest mistake you can make. You must explain your position to them as if they have no idea what you’re talking about.

I have made so many arguments worse than they really were because I expected that my husband knew why I was mad. I believed he knew what the problem was and our arguments would escalate more than they needed to be because of the confusion.

Some of us don’t consider that their spouse may have had a long day at work. We’ve all had days where we want to go home just to relax.

The Argument’s Perspective

Clear your mind and look at the argument. Disagreements could scale from deciding to adopt a dog or choosing the name of your newborn baby.

On this scale, is it worth arguing about? Is it even worth bringing up? Too many times I found myself bringing up past fights because I never let them go. I didn’t forgive these problems. I notice that a lot of arguments that have happened in my marriage is because of my own misunderstanding,

I notice that a lot of arguments that have happened in my marriage is because of my own misunderstanding. Not a lot of people would go so far to blame themselves for the quarrel.

Enter into every argument humbly, as if you’re wanting to settle and come to a conclusion.

When you have that mindset, the other person will not get offensive with you and want to figure out what the problem is and will love to fix things up with you.

Whether you’re trying to speak to a stranger, or your spouse these are important points that will keep you from wasting your breath with pointless discussions and will help you in business or at home on how to solve problems without letting things heighten out of control.

Keeping Score

Keeping score is a habit that I developed as I got older. If I argued with someone I would mark my scoreboard and would be happy when I got the final word. But, if I lost an argument or confrontation I would immediately give the other person a point.

It would haunt me forever. Whatever they said, whatever they did to me I would hold it against them forever until I learned that as long as I held onto my scoreboard I would not mature to be a better person.

It has taken years fro me to learn this and today I still remember some fights I’ve lost but I do not hold that on my heart anymore.

It’s relieving to let things go and not fight about things anymore. I don’t remember the last time my husband and I argued to a point where we’de walk out on each other or slam doors. I don’t think that would ever happen again, as long as we both keep in mind we don’t want to intensify things.

A couple tips:

  • Don’t look to fight with someone
  • If you’re too emotional, don’t talk
  • Keep to  yourself until you’re under control
  • Don’t blame someone else for your stupidity
  • The other person is completely clueless about what you’re issue with them is
  • Remember to listen more than speak, tat’s why you have 2 ears and only 1 mouth

I hope this would forever change the way you decide to solve problems with people. Please remember that even though you may have been with someone for years or the person is your spouse it doesn’t mean you stop being nice to them.

Being nice alone will prevent so many problems. Be nice to your spouse and be kind to others so that they will want to solve problems with you and will not fight you.

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